I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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