I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
