i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
