Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
