just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
