I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
