Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
