no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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