I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Randomize
