I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
