Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
