We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
it's not cheating when I paid for it
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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