if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
