so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
