Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
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