were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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