theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
