Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
