Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
