Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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