She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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