Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
