God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
