I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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