Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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