I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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