You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
