Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
