He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
