The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize