If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
