Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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