I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
