Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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