Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
