at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My penis needs a shock collar
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
