I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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