ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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