And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
