Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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