Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
