Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
