he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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