I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
