Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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