Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
