He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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