wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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