I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
