the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
