Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
