that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
