At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
bring money and cleavage
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
