i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
