I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
