My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
